She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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