Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
