My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
