you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Randomize
