I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
