The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You're a waste of cheezeits
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
