Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
