College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
