i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
