My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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