Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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