Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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