Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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