Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
