I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
