I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
