bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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