That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
