It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
