getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
