i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
