I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize