how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
