I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize