sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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