Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize