White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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