Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize