before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
