I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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