Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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