meet me or not, i'm out of control
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
No more Irish car bombs ever.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
