My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
