My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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