you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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