soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize