I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Randomize
