He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
