Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
