im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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