can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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