life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
