To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
