oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
