he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
