do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize