If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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