The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
