I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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