just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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