I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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