Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize