i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
MIDGETS
????
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
