Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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