I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
