i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
Found the puke drawer
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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