The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
